Rules of the Men's room

Ok, ok so it has to be spelled for some guys. There are actually rules for the men's bathroom. I know you women probably have no idea what I'm talking about. There are certain, um, procedures of etiquette that must be followed by each man. After recently witnessing a horrifying breach of several of these rules I have decided it's review time.

The urinal population rule: If you are to occupy a urinal, you must leave one empty urinal to your left and to your right if you can do so. If, at first glance, this is not possible, you are to see if a stall toilet is available. If so, you must occupy the stall. Do not stake claim to a urinal that is next to another man unless you have no choice. If you do not have any choice then this rule is null and void. *Note: this rule applies even if the urinals have those divider-wall things

The "no-look" policy: Under no circumstances are you allowed to look the slightest to your left or right if another man is present. Count the sparkles on the tile ahead of you if you must. In addition, if you are the sole occupant of the restroom and another man comes in, you are not to make eye contact with him as he approaches.

This isn't the long jump! No distance contests, please. You are to saddle up as close as possible so you avoid splash and unwanted shows.

Sandaled people must occupy stalls: If you are wearing sandals and must use the lavatory you must occupy a stall for your own safety. This also alleviates any possible anxiety-related performance issues should the guy next to you be worried about splash.

Occupant warning measure: If you are the sole occupant of the restroom and you are in a stall, you are to notify the next person coming in that you are there. Acceptable methods are a cough, foot shuffle, or loud yawn. If the person coming into the bathroom also occupies a stall you are both responsible for making noise upon the entering of the next male. This process continues until whomever enters occupies a urinal. At this point the bathroom is considered occupied.

Communication: All communication is forbidden other than the aforementioned "occupied warning" method. Ran out of TP? That's your fault for not checking prior to being seated. Grunting is also forbidden at the urinal.

Proper flushing: You shall flush the handle of a urinal with your forearm/elbow, or toilet with your foot. You shall immediately wash your hands.

Toilet dismount: A man who has just made the bathroom smell must be the last man to leave, like a captain to his ship. You are not allowed to finish up, wash, and jet out of the place before those of us who are still standing around having to endure the fruits of your labor. You must be the last to leave. If you exit the stall then another man comes in you are allowed to leave only if it is beyond a reasonable doubt that you indeed did NOT just come out of said stall.

/that is all